Fire Chant...another wild poem! My first!?

Fire, fire, burning bright,


light the secrets of the Night!


Burn high, burn low,


make the very mountains glow!


While the rivers run with flame,


you will devour everything!


Forests will burn, trees will fall.


Smoke shall arise to choak the sky,


obscure the moon and black the stars.


Shadows will dance before your light,


the world will blaze up with your might!


Oh fire, fire burning bright,


Light the secrets of the Night!





-Copyright by Sloane J. 2005





(my first poem ever!)





What do you think?

Fire Chant...another wild poem! My first!?
You've chosen to write in couplets, which unless you use enjambment of lines, will make your poem sound a little "rhymy"...if you read your poem out loud you'll hear what I mean. Next, you've kept your pattern throughout the poem with the exception of the lines ending with "fall", "sky" and "stars"...and these three lines stand out sharply because they are both an odd number and they don't rhyme. The next item to bring to your attention is the fact you rhymed the last four lines...or two couplets that rhyme with each other...what this does is overwhelm the ear, especially since you didn't use enjambment...each line is hard stopped in a rhyme.





So, if this is your very first poem, it's not bad, it's a beginning. If you apply the lessons learned from this one to the next one, it was worth it. Your use of language shows potential, but you need to start looking at where you can improve. Try to avoid couplets unless two lines need to make a specific point (which is why sonnets use them at the end), and if/when you do, ensure you soften the rhyme by creating as much distance between the rhymed words and try to use enjambment of lines. If you're wondering what "enjambment" means, here's an example of hard end-stopped rhymes, followed by enjambed lines:





Fire, fire, burning bright


light the secrets of the night





and





Fire, fire, burning as bright


as any sun expressed its light





Do you see where the second example ran "bright" into "as"? When you see an enjambed line put together with the line below it, it makes a single sentence (or at least completes the sentence/phrase started in the first line) that contains an "internal rhyme" now because there is no longer a line break separating the two lines...like this:





Fire, fire, burning as bright as any sun expressed its light.





If you choose to write four lines with the same rhyme word, try to make it part of a poem that alternates aaba, aaaa, aaba, etc. If you want an example, look up the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam by Fitzgerald.





So, I think you're on the right track...keep writing, keep submitting, and keep editing...the hardest part is behind you.
Reply:a good poem,


you might consider maintaining a throughout flow in style and rhythm, particularly from seventh line onwards
Reply:Well, it's good but like Kevin said it needs some work. I like it. Keep writing. You have good ideas.