We were bonded by cigarettes and insomnia;
two in a tray and one pile of ash.
Joined together in the thick haze of a bar,
where we contemplated life.
And so we've been, my love, beneath a hynotic cloud,
contemplating what we call life.
But the smoke has to clear before we can breathe and the clouds have to lift before we can see
where we are, where we're going, what we're contemplating.
And along our midnight road, the circadian rhythms of a sleeping world only act as a sieve to questions only clarified beyond the horizons of a tray.
And so we have to part ways.
And though it seems so far a distance to travel and the weight of an empty universe is heavy,
we have to tell ourselves that this is life;
gravity, time, and matter-
and that perhaps the bright blaze of a dying ember had lived as long as a star.
And these smoldering cinders are but a small portion of who we really are.
Be Patient, my love, we've already traveled so far.
What do you think of this poem?
I think the poem is fairly well written. Your line breaks seem a bit haphazard, and there are a few repetitions you might want to address ("only", for example). You've made good use of the smoking metaphor, but don't be too heavy handed with it. Your first stanza was pretty good on line breaks and beats, the others seemed less conscious of them. Your title needs work...try "Live and Meet Again", "Interlude", or "Until We Meet Again", something along those lines...you'll know best what few words will work once you start. Oh, and check for spelling...I think you meant "hypnotic" instead of "hynotic" :)
...and keep writing
Reply:"sites like Poetry.com do not help....[T]hey give false praise and hope to those who are serious about their work."
So does Yahoo!Answers, for the most part. However, I do my best to be honest.
Re the poem:
I like the title.
I like the first paragraph.
I don't like the second paragraph: in particular, the words "my love" seem extraneous, and the words "what we call life" feel sophomorically vague, like something a pretentious college student might say. I also don't like the words "and so": they're logical, sequential words which are suited to prose, but take away from the moment described in the poem.
I don't like "But" in the third paragraph: it detracts from the flow slightly. I also don't like "what we're contemplating": again, it sounds vague and pretentious. Surely you should be able to see what you're contemplating. If you can't see it, how can you contemplate it? Maybe you can come up with a different third thing that you can't see. However, I like this paragraph overall.
Fourth paragraph: you have "only" twice; I'd delete the first. "And so": pick one, "and" or "so". Mostly for reasons of rhythm again. I like this paragraph overall.
Fifth paragraph: You really have too many "and"s in this poem. As I wrote before, they take away from the feeling of one moment. Try to get rid of as many as you can. I don't like this paragraph as much as the rest.
End paragraph: Not sure if I like the rhyming couplet to end it, after you've written all the rest without rhyme. Personally, I'd drop the last line entirely, and end with your penultimate line. I think it makes a good conclusion, among other reasons because it connects back to the beginning.
Overall, I like this.
PS- I agree with everything Kevin S. said about line breaks and rhythm. You have to be conscious of the rhythms of your poem even if it doesn't have a regular meter.
Reply:Very nice. You might want to post this on a site like allpoetry.com or poetry.com
Out of most people who would be on the computer at this time of night's range, though. ^-^
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